Little Rainbows Read online

  “Through there”—Jason pointed at another set of double doors—“things get more adventurous. All the guests are allowed to enter, but they do so in the full knowledge they may see things that will make them uncomfortable. Just as they know they can’t object to anything they may encounter there.”

  Again it hit Jason that his guests’ comforts weren’t the only ones he had to worry about right now.

  “Are you certain this is what you want to do Heather?”

  He looked at her, relieved to see her giving his words the attention they deserved.

  “Yes, I am. I need to know for sure.”

  He heard a strange combination of courage and fear in her voice.

  “Having doubt lingering in my mind will only make things worse and blow this out of all proportions.” Uncertainty flashed in her eyes before disappearing again. “If I can’t do this, you deserve to find out now, while there’s still time to find somebody else to help you.”

  He almost laughed out loud. There were no other BDSM party planners in Ireland. He needed an insider, someone familiar with the Irish scene, to steer him right. If Heather couldn’t do this, he’d be on his own.

  Because he knew what she meant, he stifled the laughter and appreciated what she’d said. She had to be worrying she would end up wasting his time and money and had no way of knowing he wanted her to stay, even if she didn’t contribute anything to his party. He’d no intention of telling her that either.

  “Promise me you’ll let me know if it gets too much, Heather.” He knew he was about to take a risk and used the words anyway. “Consider it a safe word scenario. You reach your limit, we go.”

  He saw her hesitation at the mention of a safe word and cherished the smile that crept across her face as she looked up at him.

  “I will, Jason, I promise. My safe word is black.”

  Chapter Five

  Safe word.

  It had been a while since she’d had to think about using one of those. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d used one. Darren had known her so well and had been so tuned into her body language, that she’d rarely come close to even considering hers. It did emphasize the risk she was about to take. This decision might well be what would make or break her. She wasn’t sure where she’d found the courage to tell Jason she wanted, needed, to do this now. Of course every word she’d said was true. If she wasn’t up to this job, both of them were better off if she found out sooner rather than later. Still, to voluntarily walk into a confrontation with everything that had brought her such delight in the past, everything she feared she might never enjoy again, scared her. She wasn’t quite sure if she’d label herself brave or insane. On the other hand, she couldn’t deny that lately she’d become aware of a longing she’d been reluctant to investigate.

  She listened to Jason as he told her he would show her all the rooms they were passing tomorrow morning.

  “They’re mostly occupied now, and while these rooms have cameras too, we try not to interrupt sessions unless it can’t be avoided.”

  The smell of sweat, leather and almost tangible lust in the area invaded her senses. The sounds of floggers hitting flesh, moans of pleasure and shrieks of pain, all of them brought back memories. Everything she saw, heard and smelled filled her with a great sense of loss, as well as an unexpected rush of arousal.

  A crowd of waiting people filled the large area Jason steered her toward. She could feel the anticipation in the air and couldn’t escape the excitement buzzing through the room. A path cleared in front of them and Heather followed Jason to a spot, just outside the exhibition area, allowing her a clear view. Her first instinct was to turn around, look away, close her eyes, do anything in her power not to see the scene in front of her. She couldn’t.

  It had been so long, she could barely remember the sensations displays like this aroused in her. She knew it would hurt later, but right now she needed to experience those feelings. She’d dealt with the pain for almost two years. She could deal with it for a while longer.

  Her breath caught as she watched a man dressed only in dark denim pants lead a naked and blindfolded woman to a bench. Heather studied it more closely. This didn’t look like a standard spanking bench. A big dildo was fixed near one end.

  The man brought the woman to the purpose-built piece of furniture and made her place one foot on a small step before helping her to straddle it. With her other foot positioned on the step on the far side, the woman’s crotch hovered over the phallus. Of course, deprived of her eyesight, she didn’t know that—yet. When the man took the woman’s hands and pulled them forwards to the other end of the bench where two pieces of ribbon were waiting to tie them, her body lowered just enough. Heather recognized the moment the woman became aware of the dildo between her legs. Her face tensed then relaxed into a lazy smile.

  Amazement filled Heather when she felt her own face mirror the girl’s satisfied expression. The full and instant reaction of her body to the scene shocked her. Her nipples tightened and heat and wetness gathered between her own legs. She wanted to shake her head, deny the feelings. But she remained still, suddenly aware of Jason behind her, his hands on her hips. For a second she felt the urge to just lean back and find some of that physical contact she’d missed for so long. She couldn’t. It was Jason behind her, not Darren. She wanted it to be Darren. She needed to feel him behind her, pressing his hardening cock into her arse, whispering suggestions in her ear. She could hear his voice in her head, telling her all the things he’d be doing to her later, once they were alone. She felt his hands squeeze her hips.

  They weren’t Darren’s hands. Disappointment shot through her body and she tensed. The hands squeezed again and some of the tension disappeared. No, those weren’t Darren’s hands, it wasn’t her husband and Dom standing behind her, but she couldn’t deny those hands were grounding her, making it possible for her to watch the scene in front of her instead of running away as fast as she could.

  She relaxed further and gave her full attention to the beautiful couple in front of her. The woman’s hands had been tied to the bench now, and the man walked toward her legs. A soft but resounding slap on her arse had the woman slip down onto the waiting dildo, her excited groan almost lost in the gasps coming from the audience. Heather watched as the man talked to the woman, his voice too low to carry to the watching crowd. Whatever he was saying, the woman must have been reacting according to his expectations. He had a satisfied grin on his face as he rubbed his partner’s arse with languid strokes. Heather watched as if hypnotized as the woman started to squirm, only to stop as soon as the man murmured something else. He took something from his pocket, looked at it and pressed with his thumb. Instantly a low buzzing sound filled the room and the woman started squirming again. The man’s hand went back to her arse to keep her still and in place, victim to the vibrations the dildo sent into her core.

  “You’re not to come.”

  For the first time, the man spoke in a voice loud enough to carry to the audience. Heather could feel the crowd around her tensing in sympathy with the woman’s plight. Her own body stiffened, her vagina contracted. Heather’s breathing quickened and she could feel herself getting hotter. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew Jason had to be aware of all these reactions as well. His hands were still on her hips, his thumbs stroking her, his presence only adding to the need running through her system.

  Again she forced her attention away from her own body and back to the scene now nearing its end. The woman appeared to be reaching her limit, moaning loudly and pleading with the man who continued to keep her arse still with his hand. After a few more minutes of what Heather knew was exquisite torture for the woman, the man gave her shapely arse another light slap then walked around the bench to face her. As the woman took advantage of her freedom and bucked herself to a long and violent orgasm, the man bent forward and took her mouth for a long and deep kiss.

  Too much. It was too much. She couldn’t do this. The hea
t, the love, the way the man so obviously cared for his sub. Memories rushed through Heather’s head, lights flashed in front of her eyes. She had to get away, she couldn’t breathe. Turning around, she blindly stared up at the man behind her, the man she didn’t quite recognize. “Black… Black. Please…black.”

  * * * *

  Shit, she safe-worded.

  Instantly he turned her toward the exit. Putting his arm around her shoulder and pushing her head into his chest, he steered them through the clearly excited crowd. He felt the tears as they landed on his shirt. How had he missed the signs? There had to have been signs. He should have seen this coming, should have been able to recognize it and get her out before it got too much. He’d failed…again. He had no right to call himself a Dom. Twenty years of experience and he’d failed to see a meltdown coming. He wanted to kick himself, needed to scream, shout, punch somebody, be punched by someone.

  Jason took a deep breath. He had to look after Heather, make her his priority and stop his selfish thoughts. Shaking and barely supporting herself, Heather sounded close to hyperventilating. Staving off his panic, he looked around and sighed with relief when he saw an empty room. He closed the door behind him and guided the frantic woman to a comfortable couch in the corner. He sat down and settled Heather on his lap, cradling her in his arms.

  “It’s okay. You were so brave. Shhh now, you’re fine. You’re safe. I’ve got you.”

  His stomach churned and his heartbeat grew faster at the sight of Heather’s despair. Her crying got louder, making it almost impossible to hear her words.

  “So sorry. I’m so sorry. Jason, I can’t. I was wrong. Too soon.”

  He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this helpless.

  Reduced to allowing her to cry her tears, listening to the words she had to say and holding her close, a sensation of impotence engulfed him. His mind scrambled, trying to identify the moment when it had all gone wrong. The crucial moment he’d managed to miss.

  He’d thought she was fine. He’d loved having his hands on Heather. He would have left his hands on her hips forever if he could. Her curves had felt every bit as good as they looked and it had taken all his restraint not to stroke her too much, to stop his hands from squeezing her lightly, just to see what sort of a reaction that would get. He’d felt it when she tensed as the scene started and had been ready to let her go when she’d surprised him by relaxing again. He’d been aware of what had been happening to her body and had allowed himself to think that bringing her to this display had been a good idea. There had even been a moment when he’d thought she was about to lean back, rest her body against his. Maybe he’d been wrong or maybe she’d stopped herself. Either way it was probably best that she hadn’t. At least she hadn’t discovered how excited having her close had made him.

  Shit.

  He’d been able to disguise his hard-on earlier but knew there was no hiding it now. Despite her obvious pain, her panic, her tears, his cock throbbed against her legs. She’d realize it as soon as she calmed down. And what sort of an impression would that make? He’d appear a pervert, getting off on her despair. He had no possible way of preventing that from happening. He couldn’t let go of her now. He had to hold her until she rediscovered her equilibrium. He’d created this mess and now he’d better deal with it. If it all ended with Heather thinking of him as an insensitive bastard, it was no more than he deserved. If he couldn’t stop himself from lusting for her while she felt this bad, he wasn’t worth her good opinion, or anybody else’s.

  Heather’s crying sounded less hysterical, her breathing less harsh. She still hid her face in his shirt though and continued to murmur sentences he only caught flashes of.

  “Stupid… Too soon… Can’t… Too much.”

  He’d been so sure bringing her to see this couple would be good for her. Hector and his sub were so obviously in love with each other. The dynamic between them was so beautiful. His domination and her submission were vivid, the power exchange between them complete and instantly recognizable. They were everything Jason had always hoped to find one day. Everything he now knew he would never have because he just wasn’t perceptive enough.

  His mind went back to the end of the scene. Until the very last he’d been convinced Heather had if not enjoyed then at least relaxed into the display. He’d been aware of her body reacting to the scene in front of her. He’d been able to sense it when she got excited. He’d convinced himself he could smell her arousal. He’d been about to congratulate himself for bringing her there when Hector had kissed his sub and…

  The kiss.

  He would have slapped his head if he hadn’t needed both hands to hold Heather. Of course it had been the kiss. How had he not seen it coming? Heather had been fine as long as the scene had been about bodies, arousal and satisfaction. The display of love had undone her. Of course it had. She’d clearly been devoted to her husband. Only a blind person could fail to see how much she still missed him. He should have gotten her out of there before that kiss. Hector always ended his scenes with a display of his love for Amber. Damn it. He could and should have known.

  “Jason?” Heather’s whisper broke through his fevered thoughts. “You’re holding me too tight.”

  Bollix.

  To add insult to injury, he couldn’t even hold her through her breakdown without hurting her. “Heather, I’m sorry. I should have known, should have gotten you out of there before it got too much for you.”

  He relaxed his hold on her and took a deep breath. Looking into her eyes was almost too much. They were red and tears were still glistening, trying to break free again. And yet she looked at him…not angry. He’d expected anger. Fuck, he deserved her anger. Instead he saw trust. He didn’t get it. Why wasn’t she upset with him? She should be shouting at him, trying to break free, running away.

  He nearly broke when she brought her hand up to his cheek and stroked it.

  “No, Jason. Don’t go blaming yourself.” She swallowed visibly, her emotions still very close to the surface. “You told me to safe-word if it got too much for me.” She shook her head. “It’s not your fault I waited too long.”

  “Yes.” He all but shouted the word at her. “Yes, it bloody well is. I know how fragile you are, I’ve seen enough of Hector’s exhibitions to know how they end. I should have been smart enough to foresee how it would affect you.” His voice nearly broke. “And I didn’t. I failed to think ahead and I failed to get you out in time, to keep you safe. Don’t you see, Heather? I should have recognized the signs and I didn’t.”

  The glimmer of a smile appearing on Heather’s face made no sense, and neither did the humor in her voice.

  “You men, you’re all the same. Thinking you know it all, convinced you can read any woman’s mind.” Heather’s face grew serious. “I want you to listen to me, Jason. You don’t know me. You have no idea what I can and can’t take and you’re not responsible for my feelings.” Anger flashed across her face. “Nobody is responsible for my feelings except me. Not now, not in the past and not in the future. It is my job to keep me safe. That’s what safe words are for. The only person to blame when I fail to use mine is me.” The anger disappeared again. “Don’t you see? Taking that responsibility away from me makes me helpless. Don’t make me feel as if I can’t look after myself, please.”

  Jason’s mind struggled to keep up. He’d never thought about it in those terms. Of course he knew it all, in theory. He was well aware the real power in a D/s relationship rested with the sub. He knew the Dom could only push as hard as the sub would allow. He’d never needed to fall back on it though. He’d always put the responsibility upon himself. He’d prided himself on knowing when his subs were reaching their limits before they did, always tried to get them as far as he could without them having to use their safe word. Did that mean he’d not trusted his playmates to look after themselves? Was it just one big power trip for him?

  He realized he’d been stroking her hair and bent his head to pla
nt a soft kiss on her head.

  “Heather, I just don’t know.” He looked at the beautiful face and marveled she was still in his lap, leaning into his hand. “I can’t help it. I do feel responsible. I’ve allowed you to get hurt, and there are no circumstances under which that’s acceptable.

  She frowned and shook her head. “You’re still not getting it. I decided I was ready to come here, to take on this job. I could have said no when you suggested watching this scene. I felt the tension rising inside, knew what it meant and forgot to use my safe word.” She swallowed, hard. “Maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe it’s too soon for me to get back into this world. Hell, right now I think I may never be ready to get involved again. And that’s not the end of the world. I’m a party planner. I could plan other parties, weddings. It doesn’t have to be about BDSM.”

  Her voice sounded strong and determined, while her face crumbled.

  “You may have bet on the wrong horse. I’m sorry about that. You need someone who knows what’s she’s doing, capable of dealing with her working environment. I’ll pack my stuff and go. You have enough time to come up with a different solution for your party.”

  Her mouth tried to smile while her eyes teared up again. The sight all but broke his heart.

  “You’ve got such a wonderful place here you probably don’t need a planner at all, and even if you do, that person isn’t me.”

  Panic gripped Jason. He didn’t want to let her go. He’d only just found her again. He wanted her to stay. Not for the party. Right now he couldn’t care less about how that went. He wanted her to stay so he could get to know her better. Because he felt this connection to her he’d never felt with anybody else. Because he had this suspicion she might be the only woman who could stop him from falling apart. And he couldn’t tell her any of those things.